the way of the huffy

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As mentioned before, my Hell Huffy playa bike came with an owner’s manual. I’ve been studying long and hard. Below are actual diagrams from the documentation, but I helped with the text:


Eyes in back of head. You shouldn’t be riding a Huffy unless you can see both forward and to the rear simultaneously.


Parking your bike. Slide the front wheel of your Huffy between the grate slots of a drain for secure parking.


Everyone loves a Huffy. Don’t be surprised when drivers open their doors to say hello and admire your bike.


Rough terrain riding. When negotiating rough ground on your Huffy, lean forward and raise your buttocks in the air. This will enable the bike to levitate a few inches off the ground for a smoother ride.


Auto attack mode. If a car driver is discourteous, you can dismount and send your Huffy careening into the offending vehicle.


Huffy heaven. Anyone who dies in an accident while on a Huffy is guaranteed a helmet halo in the afterlife.


Lord Huffnu. When you reach Huffy heaven, you will be judged by the multi-armed Lord Huffnu. Do not give him the wrong hand signal if you value your soul.

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