human beans


Why is so much more attention, proportionally, put on global warming, than on global population? I don’t want less attention on global warming, just an equal or greater amount on making a reduction in population. I don’t mean just slowing or stopping the rate of population growth so it stabilizes at something like 10 billion; but actually decreasing the number of people on the planet. I want to do this through a reduction in births, not through an increase in deaths, which is the way nature takes care of these problems.

Sterilize teenagers in your neighborhood.

Look how far we have come. Some estimates are that the number of people on planet earth shrank to 10,000 or fewer after a massive volcanic eruption 70,000 years ago. From there, the number grew and stabilized at about one million hunters and gatherers for a while. It’s been largely uphill after that, thanks to agriculture, industry, sanitation, medicine, and Barry White. Current population estimate: 6.8 billion people. A bit of shrewd mathematics tells us that there are 6.8 billion stomachs to feed, and I’ll let you do the math regarding the volume of toenail clippings. I think we can reverse the 70,000 year trend.

Force everyone of childbearing age to listen to recordings of screaming babies for three hours each day.

According the source of all human knowledge—Wikipedia—we’re expecting a population of nine to ten billion by 2055. Think of our round planet as a bulging, pregnant abdomen. The population increases by about 221,000 people each day. Hey, do you think this might be related to global warming? Deforestation? Automobile pollution? Coal-fired power plants? We’ve got a a zillion little carbon footprints all over the planet. The overall rate of growth is slowing, but that ain’t good enough. Cut it out, damn it! Buy a little wind-up robot instead of popping out a kid.

Adopt a stray cat, neuter it, and care for it like it was your own human child. Send it to college.

Don’t forget rule #1, which is to sterilize all the teenagers in your neighborhood in an ongoing catch-and-release program. Do a thorough job, do it with minimal pain inflicted, and take pride in what you do. Don’t let this become a dull routine.


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