I’ve written before about my search for the perfect non-coffee caffeine source. Lately a new favorite has come to the fore, and it’s a drink called VISO. It has the two important factors that make my short list: (1) doesn’t taste horrible, and (2) has 300 mg. of caffeine. It also comes from Portland, which is nice. I don’t care that the sour cherry and grapefruit juice is allegedly organic, whatever that really means. I don’t care that the sugar comes from cane instead of corn. And what the heck is “natural Concord grape essence”? Is that the next stage after raisin? I imagine some sort of trinity like father, son, and holy ghost; the grape, raisin, and grapey essence.
The drink also contains 100% of the daily recommended doses of various vitamins, which is also a kind of faith-based proposition. Personally I’d choose another way to get my vitamin A, E, and beta carotene–these are supplements that in some cases have been shown to make people sicker, not healthier.
Whatever. The part I really want to get to is the marketing talk on the side of the can. One can suggested that you don’t drink the stuff, you “slam down a can” of this mighty drink. The can in front of me now says, “… the 300 mg. of all natural Spanish caffeine will have the same effect as a self-induced cattle prod …” I’m not kidding. This kind of talk raises a lot of questions. Slamming down and cattle prodding seem to go in opposite directions. That’s disturbing. And is there something special about caffeine from Spain? How natural is it? Compared to what?
The big question, of course, is the self-induced cattle prod. Can you “induce” a cattle prod on yourself, or on a cow, for that matter? Inducing a cattle prod makes it sound really obscene. You don’t want to induce a cattle prod like you induce a pregnancy.
I don’t want to think about a self-induced shock to the buttocks when I’m drinking this stuff. Stop slamming and shocking me! I’m just a sensitive Pacific Northwest guy trying to get along in this world.