no h.o.

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Having just returned from round two in my battle against heterotopic ossification, what could be better that to revisit the pages of the Omega Institute 2010 class schedule? There is so much knowledge about healing in there that it seemed like a good place to go. I skipped over “Boot Camp for Goddesses,” “A Seven-Night Silent Retreat with Adyashanti,” and “The Wisdom of the Thirteen Indigenous Grandmothers.” I even passed over “TangoZen.” I’m not making up any of this.

Instead, it was “Elixir Light Qigong” that caught my eye. According the class listing, the instructor was “apprenticed secretly under a legendary monk, Xiao Yao.” I Googled “Xiao Yao” and found her on Facebook! No, that must be someone else. The name is mostly associated with Chinese herbal remedies and a fictional martial arts hero. But the guy who teaches this class is legit because he “spent 100 days meditating and fasting in a dark, underground chamber deep in the mountains of the Chinese countryside.” Like a superhero, he has emerged to become one of the most renowned qigong masters of our time. From him you will learn:

– “Hologram Palm” (Spend hours staring into your hand?)
– “Three Treasures Standing Meditation” (The fourth treasure is when you get to sit down.)
– “Four Golden Wheels Movement” (This probably involves driving a Lexus.)

And other stuff. In the catalog there’s a photo of the teacher with light emerging from the general area of his navel. The image below is not that photo, but equally entertaining. I go now to attain Hologram Elbow.

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