quick slide toward armageddon

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It’s time again!  Time to check in with the folks who believe something called the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011.

Before we check in, however, let’s do a little predicting of our own. How do you think Family Radio Ministries will respond if the world seems exactly the same on May 22 as it did the day before? Here are some predictions:

1. “We have revised our calculations and have reset the Rapture date for … day/month/year.”
2. “The lord has given us a reprieve. Praise him.”
3. “The Rapture actually did happen on May 21, but very few people were taken so no one noticed.”

These answers all seem kind of lame in view of their website’s proclamation, “THE BIBLE GUARANTEES IT!” So maybe a more creative answer is forthcoming. The “guarantee” language is very much like the SubGenius’ “Eternal salvation or triple your money back!” and that’s why I love it.

To see how the end times are coming along, I returned to the WhyMay21isImportant blog. I learned that megachurch pastors, Rick Warren (Saddleback Church) and Rob Bell (Mars Hill Bible Church) are false prophets, and false prophets are supposed to spring up before the end. I have to agree that these two are false prophets, much like Abraham, the Oracle of Delphi, Joseph Smith, Nostradamus, Shoko Asahara, David Koresh, TV weather reporters, me, and the Master Nashwan. And Larry Harvey. When you think about it, there has been an unending stream of false prophets since the beginning (and probably before) recorded history, so we are overdue for end times.

In another blog entry, we are given a brief timeline leading up to the May 21 date. We learn that, contrary to all scientific knowledge, the world was created in the year 11,013 B.C. That’s near the beginning of the Holocene epoch. That means all the evidence of humans and animals and geology before that time was faked and stuffed into the earth to fool us. All the radiometric dating – faked by the lord. Ice core samples and the growth rate of coral reefs; faked by a trickster god. All the meteor craters on earth were created in the last 11,000 years. The human genome was manipulated to make it look like we evolved from tiny organisms over millions of years. And all the bones and fossils were planted. God is weird.

We also learn that 7,000 years ago, the lord drowned every man, woman, child on earth except Noah’s family. Who am I to say that the babies, the five-year-olds, the teenagers, and everyone else didn’t deserve an awful death? The lord works in mysterious ways and needed to see some major drowning action at this time. The animal kingdom had to repopulate with a single pair of breeders for each species. God is kind of insane.

Moving on, we learn that The Great Tribulation, Part One occurred in 1988 and The Great Tribulation, Part Two, in 1994. (Visit the blog link above and scroll down for details–I couldn’t make sense of it.) I obviously missed both of these, but I’m hoping I can find them on Netflix. They can’t be worse than “Armageddon.”

That’s my report from the May 21sters for now. We’ll check in again when it’s closer to D-Day.

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One thought on “quick slide toward armageddon

  1. mags

    i vote for escuse #1, after no rapture occurs. miscalculations are such a common problem just in general, after all. let us know what was the dominant excuse, er, reason. i had no idea about this; glad you are on top of these things.

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