Do not play with these at home.
(Click to enlarge image and strike fear into your soul.)
1. Raccoon gun (The Procyon III pump-action chemical warfare rifle.)
If you have destructive raccoons living under your back porch and you want to spray this area with stinky ammonia, this is the weapon of choice. The black ammunition container at the rear of the weapon (with raccoon image) holds six to eight ounces of ammonia. The animals don’t like the odor. If a ferocious creature came at you with intent to kill, you could spray it directly, I suppose, but that would only be under the most dire circumstances.
According to Wikipedia, the word “raccoon” comes from the Powhatan language. The Powhatans lived in what is now coastal Virginia. Captain John Smith, an Englishman, wrote the word as aroughcun. This may come from the Proto-Algonquian root word, arah-koon-em, which means “one who rubs, scrubs, and scratches with its hands.” The following is not true: prehistoric raccoons were 6,000 feet long and could drown hippos in their drool.
2. Animal Magnetism
Based on research by the great 16th century Austrian scientist, Franz Mesmer, I have isolated the essence of animal magnetism. A little puff from this bottle, when applied to a human being, will create extraordinary physical and emotional attraction. Anyone in the vicinity of this person will be drawn to him or her like a pin held up to a 45 tesla magnet. An innocent passer-by will experience his or her heart being smooshed like a bug on the windshield of a high-velocity love-mobile.
Mesmer thought he could heal people with animal magnetism. When he lived and worked in Paris, King Louis XVI appointed four people to investigate animal magnetism. One of these four was American Ambassador Benjamin Franklin. They were asked to determine whether animal magnetism was a new, previously undiscovered, physical fluid. The team reported to the king that there was nothing real about it. Liars! Stupid, miserable liars. It’s a coverup and a conspiracy and an enigma wrapped in the world’s largest ball of cellophane. The true power of animal magnetism will be unleashed at Burning Man this year and the world will learn otherwise. More about that later.