Today many news outlets are quoting a speech that was given by Rick “My Last Name Has an Icky Meaning” Santorum in 2008. In that speech he asked, “If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?” It’s a great question and deserves a full answer.
First of all, if I were Satan, I’d laugh wickedly while rubbing my hands together with glee. Then I’d whack my tail onto the ground a couple of times just because it’s good to have a tail. Now let’s get started:
- I’d make parents teach their children that the devil exists and that hell is a real place. Furthermore, I’d have them teach the kids that they can communicate with a deity through mental telepathy – just think words in your head and the message gets through.
- Next I’d smite the people who make “alot” a single word instead of two. They aren’t helping me sow evil in the world, they’re just plain annoying. Right along with them are the people who say “for all intensive purposes” when they mean to say “for all intents and purposes.”
- I’d attack anyone who’s trying to slow down global warming because I want it hot and then hotter still. Time for a little self-promotion. The surface of the planet Venus is about 800 degrees F. thanks to a runaway greenhouse effect. Thank you very much.
- I’d put a curse on the United Parcel Service because those brown trucks are boring. Word to the wise: watch out for the vehicles that slowly glide through your neighborhoods with tinkling bells and frozen treats. They are my minions.
- Last but not least, I would frustrate the faith healers by making it impossible for a deity to regrow amputated limbs, no matter how hard people prayed and wished for it. Maybe the whole “miracle healing” thing would start to unravel.
Gotta go. It’s back to my day job of merely being the devil’s advocate.