dear 24-hour fitness

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I’m writing about the music you play on your PA system. To say that it’s awful is not nearly enough. It’s embarrassing and painful at the same time. You know what it sounds like? It’s like the soundtrack to a really bad cartoon, complete with instruments that make rhythmic farting noises and squealing pig chords. You know what else it sounds like? It sounds like the frickin’ background music for a chewing gum commercial.  I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say, “What about the awesome brilliance of having the singer’s voice echo-echo-echo on every chorus? We’d never heard that before and we love it.” I know what else you’re going to say. “Dude! (I knew you’d say ‘dude.’) Every other song has auto-tuned vocals, and that gives us happy memories of when auto-tuning was popular.”
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Though I seriously doubt it, maybe you’re curious about what I’d like to hear. Well, 24-Hour Fitness, I’d much rather listen to polka music than the crap you play. I’d rather listen to the sound of barking dogs. I’d go for blessed silence or white noise instead of the throbbing brainless crud that sprays out of your speakers. I know that you won’t change it because you’ve got some marketing statistics that say your music draws members into your club like flies to a dead possum.

Here then, is my request. Just turn it down. Turn it way down. Then I can use my own headphones and blot out what you play. As it stands now, I have to blow my eardrums out with my own headphones just to cover up the audio stink you create. Just have some mercy. Have some common decency. Please.

Yours,

Grumpypants

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