the five stages of crazy-pants wacko-ism

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This helpful guide leads you through the common psychological milestones in the life of a crazy-pants wacko (CPW). A wacko may cycle through these stages many times or get stuck on a particular level. Can you locate which stage your favorite CPW is lingering in?

Denial

  • Cigarettes aren’t bad for you.
  • Evolution didn’t happen.
  • People never landed on the moon.
  • Humans do not cause global warming.

Faced with irrefutable evidence that contradicts these denials, a CPW can become annoyed and lash out, thus moving to the next phase.

Anger

  • The U.S. government carried out the World Trade Center attacks!
  • Monsanto is pure evil and is ruining the world!
  • Damn it, if only we had an unregulated, truly free market our troubles would be over!

The anger stage contributes to social isolation and burnout, so the wackaloon moves along to bargaining.

Bargaining

  • I’ll trade you this cookie made with cane sugar for a muffin naturally sweetened with fruit juice.
  • If you’ll stay friends with me, I’ll stop telling you that you’re stubborn because you’re a Capricorn.

If this fails to fulfill basic needs for affirmation and personal dignity, the CPW moves to the next stage.

Depression

  • My parents had me vaccinated when I was kid, so I’ll probably die any minute now from the horrible chemicals.
  • Leave me alone. I just discovered that my spirit animal is the naked mole rat.

Finally, the CPW learns to let go and stop worrying.

Acceptance

  • I can safely ignore traffic signals because my guardian angel is watching out for me.
  • I’m going to live forever ’cause I’m having my head frozen when I “die.”
  • Everything’s cool. Because … quantum-physics-nanotechnology-universal-life-force.
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One thought on “the five stages of crazy-pants wacko-ism

  1. dangblog

    Addition: I should have mentioned that I’m a crazy-pants wacko myself. I’ve learned to accept my weirdo beliefs by drugging myself with huge doses of dark chocolate.

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