five tips i’ve learned from fellow motorists

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I’ve gained substantial knowledge from watching drivers around me on the road. Today I’m going to share some best practices that will get you safely and efficiently to your destination.

Be excruciatingly careful when turning

On city streets, please take your own sweet time making a turn onto another street. Even if there is no stop sign, traffic signal, or obstruction, come to a complete stop, then inch-by-inch, gradually edge your car around the corner. If there is a rare albino turtle sitting in the road around that corner, it will have plenty of time to get out of your way.

Assume there are bad guys following you

It’s important not to tip off the people in the cars behind you as what you are about to do regarding turns or lane changes. Do not under any circumstances use signals. This clever strategy will frustrate the government agents, personal enemies, or demons/space aliens who are always following you.

Make sudden moves

A similar principle is especially important for exiting freeways. Best practice suggests driving in the left lane until you are almost at the exit, then veering across two or three lanes of traffic to exit at the last second. It not only frustrates evil-doers following you in your fantasy action movie, but it’s also a fun challenge that will only kill you a maximum of once.

Understand traffic lights

Slow down when you approach a traffic signal that’s green because, hey, it might turn yellow and you want to be ready. In fact, if you slow down enough at green lights, they will always turn yellow before you get there, confirming that you were right to slow down.

Green = “Slow to a crawl.”
Yellow =  “Stop immediately.”
Red = “Rest and look at your phone, read a book, or daydream. Someone will remind you with a gentle honk if the light changes to green.”

Conserve your light bulbs

You can save huge amounts of money and labor on headlight replacements by not using those lights so much. If there is any daylight at all left in the sky, a reasonable person can see you. I mean, you’re driving a big, fat car, aren’t you? Also, if you’re just a few miles from your destination, there’s no point of bothering with lights.

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Those are all my handy tips for today. Study them, save a turtle, and rule the road.  

turtle

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